Australian Bush Poetry, Verse & Music

How To Impress A Sheila

It is funny how so many true stories provide the greatest material for a good yarn or piece of verse. The incidents recorded in this little piece are all true, believe it or not. Whilst one hell of a drama at the time, it all turned out for the best.....and they lived "happily ever after"!!!! - well for a while anyway. (By the way, for those that don't know, "Sheila" is an Australian slang word for a woman!!)

Now you blokes out there havin' problems
With your relationships where women leave ya
Sit down and pay attention to this and I'll tell you
How to impress a new sheila

First of all and unannounced
Ring her at two in the mornin'
"Thought I'd pop round and see you darl'
So I rang to give you some warnin'"

Now she's really rapt at been so special
That you would call her at that time
Tell her "Darlin', baby, I just can't sleep
And I can't get you out of my mind"

But then you find that your car won't start
Coz the battery has given up the ghost
Despite the new alternator you put in this mornin'
It won't even splutter at most!

Change of battery and on the way
And just to fill in some time
You lose your way and take a wrong turn
Perhaps you're also losin' your mind

It is the alternator, it's completely packed up
The battery is flat and the lights running low
You limp into town and park the car
Coz the bastard will no longer go

Now cause sheilas like to feel special
You give her a call and for help you plea
"The car's stuffed up, can you pick me up
I'm parked outside the cemetery"

Of course, she comes, coz you need her help
And you can't drive the car till first light
So come on darl, we'll go down the pub
To pass the rest of the night

But they are all closed, or won't let us in
(I suspect they think we're both under age)
So we walk the streets, frozen bloody stiff
What better plans could we have made

"Oh stuff if darl', you drive and I'll follow
It's still dark, but you at least have lights
But keep an eye out, I'm worried about the car
And don't let me out of your sight"

So proceeding from town, back roads of course
It's been one hell of a bloody ordeal
And just when you think things are going right at last
The car loses a bloody back wheel

You don't do this lightly, it requires a good show
So you make sure there are plenty of sparks
You light up the night as the wheel flies past
And disappears into the dark

Of course, she stops and comes back
"What's happened now, are you all right?" she says
Well the car's not going anywhere now
So on her you will have to depend

Back to her place, she feels indispensable now
And consoles you with a nice cup of tea
"Now there darling, don't worry about a thing
You can see you can depend on me"

So then we head to the Maldon Folk Fest
But it seems it's too early an hour
Now what'll we do to pass the time..
Climb bloody Mount Tarrengower

Then finally wait for the poet's brunch
At 10.30 they've promised to start
Whatever happened to poet's breakfast
Which began at sparrow's fart

I only wanted some of McArthurs tapes
Coz he's so crazy and his verse so bizarre
Then we headed back to this sheila's joint
To sort out the bloody car

I got a tow truck to fetch it back
And parked it in her front yard
So there it can sit till I get it fixed
But at the moment is all seems too hard

"You really know how to move in" she said
Showing some sympathy for my plight
"You've got no car, you've had a bad day
You'd better stay the night"

Now this sounds all right, things are lookin' up
Seems I'm over the bad luck hump
But it wasn't to be, worst was to come
It was the bloody wrong time of the month!

Still a good sleep wouldn't go astray
Coz tomorrow will be a big one for sure
The way things are goin' I'll get the car fixed
Just so it can break down some more

But hey, this sheila is really impressed
With her new talented and resourceful man
She's just so impressed coz she's been such a help
And not treated like a dirty old rag

So apart from winnin' the sheila
You'd wonder if things could get worse
But no, that day is over and provided ideas
For this little piece of bush verse

So back to the point of how to impress
A new lady, a bird or a sheila
You make 'em feel valuable, cherished and loved
And let 'em know that they're needed

None of this macho masculine crap
Just give that a rest and relax
Make the lady feel special and loved
And you'll find that you'll never look back!

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